Deconstructing Supermom

Deconstructing supermom. stick with me on this one….

Working moms are less likely to experience symptoms of depression than stay at home moms. So says a new study out of the University of Washington.

Having a job (particularly one that you love) is likely to improve your overall mental health and well-being. It makes sense. Feeling successful in your career can improve your self-esteem, which makes you feel happier overall. This can improve parent-child interactions and spousal relationships.

But wait, there’s a catch: The same study found that women who thought they should be able to do it all are at a greater risk for depression by age 40 than those who had more realistic expectations about balancing a career and family prior to having kids.

In essence, the moms who set out to become the next “supermom” are more likely to feel depressed by age 40.

The research did not determine what causes this increased risk.

It could be that women who set out to be “supermom” struggle when it’s more difficult than originally anticipated, or when they feel that they are falling short.

It might be that, in an attempt to be present for all of their children’s activities while staying on top of all possible work duties, would-be “supermoms” are spreading themselves a bit too thin and struggling to keep up with all of their commitments.

We know that lack of sleep affects us both physically and mentally. Perhaps sleep deprivation plays a role.

Or is it that sneaky “Mom guilt” rearing its head yet again? We all know how that affects us.

Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above…and then some.

No matter how we look at it, it all comes down to finding the right balance.

We all have our own baseline when it comes to managing stress. What seems “easy” for one mom might feel impossible to another. There is no how-to manual for managing it all because we are all different.

However, it’s reasonable to assume that “supermom” doesn’t really exist. It would be exceedingly difficult to hold a full time job, make it to every game, practice, play, rehearsal, ballet class, etc. while keeping the house spotless, staying on top of the laundry, cooking organic meals from scratch, and maintaining the “perfect” marriage all at once. It’s just too much.

For the most part, we all have to write our own how-to manuals for this one. But there are a few things we can do to create balance:

Know your baseline: Like I said, we’re all different. But knowing when to say when is an important skill and an important lesson for your kids.

Create boundaries: I don’t know about you, but when I worked full time I always took on every project that came my way. Being capable can sometimes result in early burnout. If that happens, your job will no longer provide that same sense of satisfaction that decreased your risk of depression in the first place. Work your hours, but be firm on your boundaries.

Find special time: Coaching every single team and running every bake sale isn’t what makes you a great mom. It’s the quality of the time that you spend with your kids that counts. Coach one team, take on one school project, lead one extra-curricular activity…whatever you do, make it count.

Create family rituals: When I look back on my childhood, it’s not the teams and bake sales that stand out. While my mom was there for all of that and involved in every school I attended, it’s the family memories that bring the smile to my face. It’s the 6pm Sunday dinners, waffles on Saturdays, holiday baking, searching for Easter baskets, boat rides in the summer, building sand castles well past dinner, and ice cream sundaes for no good reason that truly stand out. Focus on creating family memories that will last a lifetime.

Prioritize sleep: Your kids won’t be at their best if they are under-slept, and neither will you. Get your sleep.

Fit in family meals: Family dinner isn’t a possibility in my house due to my husband’s work schedule and early bedtimes for the kids, but family breakfast sometimes is. Find a weekly time (like Sunday dinner or Saturday waffles) where you can all sit around the table and just chat. Let your kids lead the conversation. Ask follow up questions. Just be together.

Leave work at work: I know this isn’t always possible (depending on your job), but try not to let the chime of the Smartphone take away from your special time. Believe me, your kids will notice.

Accept help: Ordering groceries online, hiring someone to help with the cleaning, or buying pre-made brownies for the bake sale doesn’t make you a bad mother. It makes you a smart mother. You can’t do it all. Ask for, and accept, help. Lighten your load to reduce your stress. You will be a better parent for it.

Divide & conquer: I have yet to meet a husband who walks in after a long day of work and heads straight for the vacuum. In fact, that kind of a husband would scare me (who could possibly keep up with that kind of obsessive cleaning?). These days, we all need to pitch in on the domestic front. Decide who does what and leave it to that person (hint: in general, husbands do NOT enjoy nagging or people barking orders at them). And if your husband doesn’t do it exactly the way you would? Deal with it. He’s helping.

Factor in “me” time: Whether it’s running, reading, a glass of wine, bubble baths, or a monthly massage, find a way to de-stress and do it regularly. Balancing work and family is hard on the best day. Give yourself a break.

As for that “supermom” speeding off to the bake sale before she heads to the office to see 15 patients? Try talking to her about it. I’m willing to bet that she’s just as tired, and possibly still struggling to find her balance too.

What steps do you take to balance work and family?

For the most part, we all have to write our own how-to manuals for this one. But there are a few things we can do to create balance

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