Moms, we all know how it is. Our children are quick to say sorry because they know that is what we want to hear, but do they really understand what they are saying? How do we teach them more than sorry?
Our daughters are now 7 and 10 and I am the first to admit that I am no expert when it comes to parenting. That said, there are a few things that my husband and I have done that work well in our home.
Today I would like to share with you what “saying sorry” looks like in our home.
When one of our girls does something that they need to apologize for, this is what it looks like…
I’m sorry for ____________.
This was wrong because ___________.
Next time I will _____________.
Do you forgive me ______________.
Let me tell you that when we first started this method, it was hard – in fact, even after a year into using this method we had struggles, but because we stuck to it, this method has been extremely valuable in our home.
Let me share one example with you. We were at a friends house and my 6 year old needed to say sorry to another child. My girl was very strong willed. She screamed, she was willing to say sorry, but she did not want to continue the other steps – that’s the hard part. I sat and held her on the floor for what seemed like forever until she was ready to go through the steps. I could have gone home, I could have gave in because it was embarrassing for me as a mom, but I was patient and she did apologize. You want to know the great thing? We have never gone through an experience like that at someone else’s house since then. When I left, I thought my friend might think I was a bit of a crazy mom, but you know what? She told me that she loved that I stuck with it and did not give in, she told me that it was an example to her, and you know what else? She told me she was going to use the same method with her children.
(Note: it is important to stay calm and not embarrass your child – this is a not a punishment, this is not a burden, it is an opportunity to model kind behavior).
Going through these steps helps children acknowledge what they are sorry for, why they are sorry and it helps them to think about what they can do instead the next time. Often children repeat behavior because they are so used to it and they have never thought about another way.
Sometimes it can be hard to teach our children skills – the best way to teach is by example, so when I need to say sorry to one of my girls, I use this same method.
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Cheryl Grandy says
This looks like a good way to teach that saying “sorry” is more than just saying words to get out of a situation or avoid punishment. It’s great that you’ve stuck with it long enough to see positive results.
Debbie W says
Good point. To give an apology includes understanding why it is needed.
June M says
This is a great way to teach children and adults. We also use this method for other issues. Eg I don’t like it when you (fill in blank) cause it makes me feel (fill in the blank)
Chandra O'Connor says
It is a great way, they need to understand exactly why their actions were unacceptable
Elva Roberts says
I absolutely love your method of managing the ‘sorry’ problem that we all have. If it works and you give the example as well, kudos to you. We know that the sincerest form of flattery is imitation and you have inspired your friend to follow your example. Sorry is sometimes very difficult but a sincere apology, taught in youth, is a valuable skill to mend relationships and keep them strong.
Nena Sinclair says
This is a great post and I will use this method when it comes to my 4 and 7 year old grandchildren.
LisaM says
Love this. Thanks. We’re going through a lying stage and mostly it’s silly things like “Momma I had a nightmare” 2 minutes after going to bed when really he just doesn’t want to be alone. We’re trying to get him to realise he has to tell us what’s up and not make things up in order to get help and/or attention
Viv Sluys says
We have always (not every time but ‘always’ in the sense of ‘from the beginning of our parenting’) made a point of saying what we’re sorry for and having our children say what they are sorry for but i think adding the other steps will be a great addition to our daughters understanding what saying/being sorry means.
Debbie White Beattie says
This is a really great article you’ve written. Your advice is really sound and it makes great sense. Children really do find it hard to accept that they’ve done anything wrong but you’ve helped a lot.
Elaine Buonsante says
What an excellent way to teach anyone, children and adults, the concept of apology.
Melanie W says
i really try to teach my child this as well. It’s not enough that your sorry, understanding why is so important!
NJ Nowoselski says
it is so true! And I am going to try this method Not only with the kids but with hubby too. Also I am going to get better at saying sorry too. This is a great reminder for the whole family. Say it with meaning 🙂
Carole Dube says
I always though my children were sometime too quick to say sorry, what’s the point if they don’t mean it right! I’m going to forward this to my daughter for my granddaughters.