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Positive Messages

Positive messages

My 5 year old daughter hit a major milestone last weekend.  After a couple of weeks of practicing and trying and thinking and talking about it, she got on her two-wheeler and rode away.  She rode so fast that I was gasping for air as I sprinted to catch up to her.  With the wind blowing her hair behind her she smiled ear to ear as she learned to turn and ride in circles.

I asked her how it felt.  “I love it”, she yelled, as she rode by.  I told her how proud I felt; I asked her if she felt proud too.  I jumped up and down, cheered, and smiled ear to ear right along with her.  I praised her hard work, her determination, and her willingness to follow through on her goal.

Yes, you read that right.  I praised her.

I praised me daughter up and down and hugged her tight. This was a moment to be celebrated.

I’ve been reading a lot about praise lately.  More specifically, I’ve been reading a lot of opinions from people who seem to think that praise is a crutch.  Children should not be praised, they say, in order to avoid the trap of performing simply for more praise.  Children, they say, should do things just because and not to get a pat on the back.

I’m not judging.  I’m trying not to, anyway.

But this kind of negativity is hard to process.

I’ve spent my adult life working with children of all ages.  Children who lacked self-esteem.  Children who never felt validated.  Children who felt they could do no right.  I’ve spent countless hours building them back up, helping them find their strengths.

Imagine if someone had done that for them all along?

It is a child’s job to learn.  They learn through play, they learn through music, and they learn through social interactions.  They adhere to limits, they test limits, and sometimes they do a little bit of both.  They reach exciting milestones and learn to set goals.

They do incredible things, these children of ours.

Why on Earth would we refuse to tell them so?

Children who are recognized for their efforts experience positive emotions.  They feel good about themselves, which inspires them to continue making an effort.  They grow up with a healthy sense of self and the belief that they can succeed.

Children who are not recognized for their efforts question their abilities, their importance, and their self-worth.  They worry that no choice is ever right enough.  They wonder if their efforts even matter.

The answer seems simple to me.

Praise their efforts.  Listen to them.  Encourage their ideas.  Take an active role in building their self-esteem.

As for the concern that praise teaches children to perform in order to generate more praise?  It simply isn’t the case.

Do you write a great article so that people will praise you or do you write a great article because you want to do your best work?  Do you work hard at your job to get a pat on the back from your boss or do you work hard at your job because you take pride in your work?  Do you try to be the best parent that you can be so that your kids will tell you that you’re the best or because you want to be there for your kids?

Children are no different.

They take pride in their artwork, ideas, athletic abilities, etc.  They try their best because they want to, not to get that pat on the back.

But when they get that praise…that moment where they feel recognized…that moment where they see the pride in your eyes?  That’s just the icing on the cake.  That makes them feel loved just a little bit more.  That inspires them to keep on trying.

Go ahead, praise your child today.  She’ll thank you for it later.

Where do you stand on the praise debate?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Expert in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a five year old daughter, three year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog, Practical Parenting, and can be found on Twitter.

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Karissa

Sunday 29th of January 2012

Finally! Thank you! Perfectly written! So happy to see this. :)

Dre

Sunday 29th of January 2012

As a Mommie to 3 wonderful children and an ECE, praise is important and can be tricky too… Excessive praising can become ineffective and kids may begin to not accept the praise as sincere, which could damage the child-adult relationship. These kinds of praise make a child seek approval from others and rather internally and reduce the child’s self esteem or have the exact opposite effect and over inflate their view themselves which is not so super either Often we phrase praise in such a way that the child is inspired to do nice things for the sole purpose of getting rewarded "It makes me so happy when you....". A child will feel good by such a statement and sometimes it is fitting to use it as we all wish to know when we are pleasing another because that does feel good. If we use it too often it doesn't build that internal satisfaction of feeling pride in oneself, trusting our own judgement and teaching one to trust their guidance system. Again we are telling the child that we need to please others to feel pride. So if a healthy self-esteem is our motivation for praise is there a better way? Of course! I think why the articles say don’t praise your kids is their way of making you look differently at the way we speak to children. It’s still praise but effective praise designed to break away from having children feel good about doing things that pleases others and learning to feel good about the things they do, giving them a better sense of self as well as socially as they get to see themselves from another person’s perspective. First there are a few things are to use a natural voice and be thoughtful rather than off handed and distant. We need to fit what we say to the indiviual child and situation rather than an all occasion blanket statement “that’s great!” “good job!” Finally don’t interrupt a child who is busy and concentrating . We want to recognize the child rather than evaluate them. Rather than “you make beautiful drawings” you can say “You used lots of colours in your picture”

We want to be specific. Instead of “nice work” we can say “you spent a lot of time making sure the table was clean”

Comparing a child to someone else rather than pointing out personal growth. “you wrote the best poem in the class” “you used new words in the poem that you have never used before”

link actions to internal rewards rather than internal ones “you cleaned all week, here’s a sticker” to “You helped clean up the toys all week, You must feel good about taking such good care of your toys”

not luck but effort and ability “whoa!!! Lucky catch” to “whoa!! Did you ever watch that ball to catch it”

it’s not that we can’t use a little of everything just a little thought in what you do say makes a world of difference in the long run cheers!

Brandy

Friday 27th of January 2012

I had to read this because the title caught my eye. I am on the same page with you regarding this topic, I am a parent who often praises her children for any accomplishment, why? Because it helps build their self esteem & with my children I have found it assists them in moving forward in life, that is having the ablity to overcome fear & try new things. What is wrong with that?

I recently watched a school board meeting on the local TV channel and my heart sunk when a mother stood up and actually said that she tells and teachers her children that "they are not unique" and refuses to tell them otherwise. Apparently this is how she was raised and because of it came out just fine. Not judging her choice, but I certainly felt my heart sink hearing those words come out of her mouth when I thought of a child hearing such things all of their life. Her kids are nice, they seem pretty well raised, but they lack the energy & spirit I would see in a child. Granted my children may have a bit TOO much energy and spirit but hey so do I.

I think that all children should have praise, positive words and something to look forward to when they did their best at something --- even I strive to hear that I did a great job at writing an article, which lately has warmed my heart hearing it, after going through a funk of writers block for a while.

Robin @ Blommi

Friday 27th of January 2012

I am a "praiser", but do see some people go overboard with it. Praise is for things that at least take a little effort of the other persons part, or to help them along in their progress.

There are things I praise my disabled daughter for, that typically developing children should not be. Just as there are those who are far to stingy in their praise, some parents seem to praise their kids for nearly everything... it kind of loses it's impact then & kids don't even see it as meaningful.

Multi-Testing Mommy

Thursday 26th of January 2012

What an exciting moment when a child finally takes off on their 2 wheeler bike! I remember that feeling like it was yesterday - last spring when my daughter finally got the courage and she never looked back. I felt so excited and proud, I can't even put it properly into words.

Praise is a tricky thing. Everyone has their own opinions about it and I respect them all. For me, I praise but I try not to do it in a way that my kids are always seeking it out. I can't explain how I do this, I just try. We all thrive on positive feedback, I think that is part of human nature.

There is also a difference between rewarding and praise! Verbal praise can be a very positive thing for children to hear and I think it is so important, but there is a fine line between praise and too much praise. Some children do end up "expecting it" - at least that is what I experienced in the classroom.