By Kate Hayes
My family recently saw Toy Story 3 at the movie theater. Every time I watch one of the Toy Story movies and see child cartoon characters like “Andy” playing so happily and independently with their toys, one main thought keeps coming back to my mind: ”Why don’t my kids do that?”
I’m curious: Do any kids really play by themselves in real life? Or is it just mine that need me to entertain them 24-7?
When we are at home, my five-year-old daughter, Anna, is almost always “bored.” Go play with the 50 Barbie dolls in your bedroom, I suggest. Or in your amazing playroom filled with a kitchen set and grocery store and baby dolls galore. (I would have given anything to have a playroom like that when I was her age). “But there’s no one to play with me,” she pouts. What about your brother?, I ask. “Kellen doesn’t count,” she disputes. “He never does anything I tell him to do. (Dramatic sigh.) Will you come up there and play house with me? You can be the mommy, and I’ll be the daughter!” Ummm…see, we’re already living that fantasy in real life. But okay. How about I’ll be the mommy, and you can be the daughter, and I’ll tell you to go play in the playroom while I get some cleaning done downstairs? And then I’ll make you some lunch, because that’s what I would do if I was really your mom.
That little ploy never works.
It’s the same thing with my two-year-old son (although, to his credit, Kellen does play by himself more often than Anna does). Usually, though, he just wants me to sit on the floor and watch him play. I can’t actually touch his toys and play with him, or he freaks out. He just wants me to sit. And be completely non-productive. Sigh.
The thing is…it’s not that I don’t WANT to play with my kids. I DO! I just don’t want to play with them ALL DAY LONG. And if their pleading ruled the day, that’s what I would do.
So I struggle with guilt. I feel guilty if I don’t play with them every time they ask me to (especially since my daughter has learned to say things like, “I feel like you don’t want to spend any time with me at all!”) OR…I play, and then feel guilty and frustrated at my inability to get anything else accomplished around the house…or even to find time to write when it’s not the wee hours of the morning.
I don’t remember MY parents playing with my siblings and me all day long. In fact, I don’t remember my mom playing “pretend” games with us ever. I remember them reading to us, and playing puzzles and board games in the evenings…constructive learning activities that always had a specific beginning and end time. But the rest of the time, we played by ourselves. We read. We roller-skated. We climbed trees. We used our imaginations.
I worry that I have ruined my kids’ ability to imagine by doing too much for them. We spend a lot of time exploring exciting new places, especially since we have moved to New England. Perhaps they are so used to being entertained by travel that they just never learned how to get excited by simple activities at home?
Am I the only mom who feels this way? Is it wrong that I wish my kids could be more independent? And most importantly, do YOUR kids know how to play by themselves…and if so, how did you get them to do it?
I welcome your opinions and advice!
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Kate
Saturday 7th of August 2010
Wow. Once again, I am amazed by the terrific and thoughtful readers that the Mommy Moment blog has! I am so grateful that I get the chance to write here as a guest!
I am blown away by all the great advice. We could certainly stand to pare down on some toys. I really like the idea of filling a bag - and think we could probably turn that into a lesson about giving at the same time. I also like the idea of creating a set schedule of when "Mommy" play time begins and ends. I have struggled with knowing how to schedule our days since I stopped working (why was it so much easier then?), but it's certainly worth another try. I have one month to get this figured out before my daughter starts kindergarten. Hopefully, I will be able to post back with a positive update soon.
Also - I can't tell you how good it makes ME feel to know that I'm not the only mom who struggles with this. Some of you said that too, and it made me smile. We are NOT alone! Carry on, my sisters...carry on.
Smith
Thursday 5th of August 2010
"Get the kids involved in paring down the toys. I'd give each kid a handle grocery bag and tell them to find as many toys as they could they wanted to get rid of. If they filled a bag we could get ONE new/used toy to replace it."
This is genius.
Halle
Thursday 5th of August 2010
We've always said our kids are "attention vampires". They just try and suck us into their world of make believe all the time. Now that they are 10 and 7 they do play independently of course...most of the time. We still get "can you play legos...playdough...Barbies" from the 7 yr old fairly often. Like so many others that have spoken up...my folks nor my husband's folks ever played pretend with us. They would play the occasional board game or cards. Mom would let me do craft projects alongside her but that was the extent of "playtime". I noticed the more toys we got rid of, the more precious the ones they had were and they actually PLAYED WITH THEM. Get the kids involved in paring down the toys. I'd give each kid a handle grocery bag and tell them to find as many toys as they could they wanted to get rid of. If they filled a bag we could get ONE new/used toy to replace it. They loved it!
Nicole
Thursday 5th of August 2010
That playroom is absolutely beautiful, but it almost looks like a classroom. It seems like you might have to direct them to a certain area of play for them to be able to focus on one thing.
I for one do sit down with my kids a lot. I enjoy the idea of having a friend and parent relationship. Parent comes first, but I really want to be a part of their lives. This does make for a little dependency, but at least they are being nurtured and boundaries are needed.
Maybe you could set a schedule for when you play with them and when they play independently.
Anonymous
Thursday 5th of August 2010
This is simply amazing that I happened upon this post - because that is my life EXACTLY. Right down to the part of feeling frustrated and anxious when I *am* playing because I'm not getting anything else done that really needs to be done!!
I also remember my folks never really "playing" with us, just spending time together - yes, board games, but none of our pretend games, and yet my kids (DD6.5 and DS4) want to do this all.the.time! (and with me)
It's a vicious cycle - I read in all these places about cherishing your time with your kids, and spend as much as possible because they'll be up and out before you know it -- and yet there are things that *need* to get done, and it seems like I'm constantly telling the "no, Mom has to do the dishes", or "no, Mom has stuff she needs to do". And I believe that playing with your siblings or by yourself is a great skill to have - and yet my kids do not have it in them to do it for long periods of time, as others have mentioned and I have seen IRL with other family/friends.
I like what Nicole said about weeding out the toys - that is a big problem here! I don't have push button/blinking, etc toys - we love open-ended stuff - but we still have too much of it! I think I'm going to use her suggestion and do a serious weed-out soon!
Anyway, thanks SO MUCH for posting this, as it makes me feel like I'm not the only one out there with this issue! And certainly ((hugs)) to you - I hope that you find something that works for you!