Highly Sensitive or Overly Labeled

This is not classified as a disorder in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 4).  But if it were, my husband and I would both fit the bill (minus the remembering birthdays part for him, of course). 

Sean and I are both the third child in our families (he’s actually the third AND the baby).  We were both quiet/shy, enjoyed time alone, took forever to make decisions, and had a tendency to get our feelings hurt easily.  As adults we are both more outgoing and confident, but we still ponder decisions for long periods and are decidedly more sensitive than our siblings.  Does it warrant a label?  I’m not so sure.

Children develop their own personalities right from the start.  My mom would tell you that I was “fussy”; Sean’s mom would describe him as “easy”.  They would probably agree that we were both quiet for a while there. Sean’s mom describes times when he would “go missing” only to find him playing quietly in his crib.  He found his way in when he needed a break! 

Riley and Liam have completely different personalities.  Although weary of strangers (for which we are thankful), Riley warms up fairly quickly in a crowd.  She loves to dress up, put on shows (including a microphone and a guitar), and she will talk to whoever will listen.  She also craves a lot of 1:1 time.  She assigns roles to everyone in the house and expects compliance with her story lines.  It frustrates her when “Prince Liam” is not following directions or when “Prince Daddy” needs to take a phone call.  She’s extremely creative and likes to discuss her ideas at length.  Her artwork is very deliberate, it always has been.  I watch her stare out the window and really think before she gets to work.

Liam has a fairly laid back approach to life.  He can be picky when it comes to what he eats and what he wears (if it doesn’t involve a vehicle, forget it), but otherwise he’s pretty mellow.  He takes a very long time to wake up and enjoys talking and singing in his crib for a good ½ hour before he even calls out to me (versus Riley, who is ready for attention the minute she wakes).  He likes to play pretend and talks A LOT, but he also enjoys playing alone.  He makes his parking lots and drives his trains without requesting a companion (although we do play along with him often).  He actually requests to bring a basket of cars into his crib every morning to play alone without interruption.  He likes his “me” time!

While Riley can be immune to the word “no”, Liam cries the second he hears it.  His feelings are definitely easily hurt.  Riley can be a bit of worrier and is generally more cautious when it comes to taking chances, but Liam is more likely to act shy in the company of others.

Does all of this add up to one child who is an HSP and one who is not?  I hope not.  Not that I’m concerned about shyness and sensitivity; that I understand.  My hope is that I won’t have to someday apply a label to a child who takes a little longer to come out of his/her shell or cries easily.

The world seems overly labeled today.  It feels like everywhere I go people are saying things like, “he’s a little anxious”, “she’s a little depressed”, “he’s a little hyper”, “she’s socially awkward”, etc. Yes, there are times when a solid medical diagnosis can help a child perform better in school, relate better to peers, or sleep better at night.  As psychotherapists, we diagnose and treat children and adolescents who exhibit pervasive anxiety, hyperactivity, depression, etc.  If your child is unhappy or not doing well in school, socially, and at home you should definitely seek help.

But do we really need labels for everything?

Once upon a time kids were just kids.  Some were more confident than others, some needed a little more help initiating friendships, some gravitated towards sports, some enjoyed art or music.  Kids were just kids.

As a psychotherapist, I’m a big fan of research.  I read everything that comes my way because I like to stay on top of new developments in my field.  I also regularly consult with colleagues on new findings to see what others are thinking.  Research continues to make a lot of new discoveries about ways to help children and families struggling with various disorders.  And I do believe that children who meet the diagnostic criteria for various DSM diagnoses should be evaluated and helped as such (I’ve spent the better part of my adult life helping many children and families with various issues).

But as a mom I am weary of labels (especially those with no corresponding diagnosis). Children learn and process differently.  Some are quiet observers, some ask a lot of questions, and others dive in headfirst and see what happens.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get back to that time when parents weren’t on high alert for a developing disorder?  Wouldn’t it be nice to watch them learn and grow and help them according to their own needs? 

The small inner voice in the back of mind worries that my kids might end up with some form of anxiety someday (clearly it runs in both sides of the family).  But my stronger mom voice puts that little voice in its place and reminds me to just let my kids be kids.  We can always figure out the rest when the time comes.

You be the judge:  What do you think of HSP (and various others) as a label for kids?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.

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