Friendship Matters

I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of friendship lately. What does it mean to be a good friend? How can you know for sure that someone will be a good friend to you? Do we all measure friendship by the same standards? How can we teach our kids to be good friends?

The Random House College Dictionary (Revised Edition) defines a friend as, “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard”. That’s the primary definition, anyway. If you continue to scroll down to #3 you will find, “a person who is on good terms with another; one not hostile”. That seems to really simplify things. If a friend is someone who is simply “not hostile”, then I have a lot of those. But for many, I suspect it goes a little deeper.

I recently saw a very old and dear friend of mine. We met in homeroom on the first day of seventh grade and took an immediate liking to one another. We weathered the storm of high school together, supporting each other through various ups and downs. We kept in touch during college and, through the power of email, have managed to maintain a close bond. I think she summed it up best when she said, “I don’t think we’ve seen each other in almost 15 years, but we still know each other so well. It’s not always like that.”

She’s right. Twelve years into my life in Los Angeles and I still find myself questioning whether or not I’ve managed to replicate the kind of lifelong friendships that I experienced during my childhood, in high school, and even in college. I have some friendships that were formed at an old job that continue to stand the test of time. But others seem fleeting at times, which leaves me feeling a bit deflated.

There seem to be a lot of blog posts and articles popping up lately about moms who judge and aren’t supportive of other moms. I find this upsetting. Parenting styles vary. What works for one family might not work at all for another family. Sometimes I learn a few tricks from a friend; sometimes I share a few tricks. But I truly feel that, on some level, we’re all in this together. Why, as grown adults, would moms choose judging, cattiness, and leaving people out instead of friendliness? I may never know.

After getting off the phone with my closest girlfriend of all time the other day, I decided to sit down and think of what characteristics make up a good friend for me. Here’s what I came up with: Kind, generous, empathic, loyal, and forgiving. Upon finishing my list I realized that, not only do I seek friends who meet these qualifications, but that this is also how I would want my friends to describe me. I truly hope that they do.

My daughter loves to hear stories about my friends. She sees some of my mommy friends regularly and watches us interact. But she’s very curious about what life was like when I was small. On a recent trip back East I showed her some pictures of me and my closest friend, Sarah, who is also her Godmother. She was so delighted to see us as young friends that she even brought a picture back with her. She’s trying to make sense of what it means to be a friend. Do friendships really last forever?

If you ask her who her best friend is, she will alternate between, “Mommy”, “Daddy”, her baby brother, and a few buddies from the neighborhood and preschool (although she always rotates through the same three). She’s quiet in large groups but loud in smaller ones, and at preschool she is learning to play with different kids and reach out to others. She is already honing her friendship skills.

When we met with my old friend, Courtney, she watched as we squealed like small children and threw our arms around each other. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the huge grin appear and a sparkle in her eyes. She immediately followed suit and leapt into Courtney’s arms (due to geography, this was their first encounter). She listened in as we caught up and engaged Courtney regularly throughout the encounter. She hasn’t stopped talking about her since. “Mommy, you LOVE your friend Courtney! You miss her so much!” She’s right. I do.

I try hard to be mindful of modeling good friendship skills for my kids. I praise them when they are generous, and help them when they struggle with sharing. I work on feelings every day. I remind them to use their words instead of actions, and I prompt them to remember manners when they forget. I tell them about my own friends, show them pictures, and share stories. I model empathy when a friend is not feeling well and always offer to help when someone needs it. I try hard to teach them how to be a good friend. You have to be a friend to make a friend.

I feel great pride when I watch my daughter interact with her friends. She already exhibits the characteristics in a friend that I want her to learn. She shows kindness by making cards for her friends and bringing them flowers she finds along her walks. She shows generosity when she finds a toy she no longer uses and tells me that it’s time to share it with one of our younger friends. She blows me away with her understanding of empathy. I recently overheard her saying to Liam, “I know your tummy hurts and that feels yucky. I remember what it’s like when I had a bad tummy and I didn’t like it. I’m sorry you don’t feel good”. The other day she told me about a girl at school who was sad because she missed her mom. She said, “I played with her a lot because I know how sad it feels on days when I miss you and I didn’t want her to feel lonely”. Did I mention she’s 4?? She’s a little young to understand loyalty, but I will say that she often reminds me if we haven’t seen someone in a while and says, “Mommy, they are our friends. We NEED to play with them.” And forgiveness seems to come naturally to many preschoolers, but will always be something to work on as she grows. She chooses to forgive her brother regularly when he takes her toys and gets in her space. She recently looked up at me and said, “it’s ok, Mommy. He’s still littler than me and he just has to learn.” And he will.

Only time will tell if her any of her first friendships will last a lifetime, as mine have with Sarah, Courtney, many of my college friends, and some of my LA friends. But I take comfort in knowing that at the very young age of four, she already knows how to be a good friend. Friendships skills are hard to learn and are always important.

When talking to my sister today she said that her closest friend from college recently stated that she would like to build her own neighborhood made up of their college buddies and maybe a couple of other friends. I would like to corral my closest friends and get in on that neighborhood. Because friendship matters. At every stage of life. Friendship matters.

What will you teach your children about being a good friend?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.

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