Parenting advice always seems to come in waves. Right now there are several articles floating around that claim to hold the secret to ending the love affair with the pacifier. Some suggest books, others suggest trades (for big ticket items), a few talk about charts, and many rely heavily on the elusive “pacifier fairy”. She sounds fantastic. I can’t help but wish I had a few of my own to stick under my pillow tonight.
Pacifiers comforted both of my kids. With my daughter, the pacifier was always more of a sleep aid than anything else. And as any good/paranoid first time mom would do, I simply made a “crib only” rule at about 13 months and never really worried about it again. She didn’t mind. I can’t even remember a time where she really begged for it. She knew it was there when she needed to sleep. For quite some time, she slept with it under her pillow. And then one day, without much fanfare, she put it in her special box and moved on.
My son was a bit different. Being the second, and only 21 months behind big sister, I am guilty of just allowing it to happen. He wanted it by his side all day and I didn’t have the energy to fight him on it. It kept him calm during times of stress and comforted him after a fall. At some point he started wrapping it up in his lovey so that he would always be able to find it, and he even took to hiding a few around the house…just in case. At some point I started to move it away when he was busy, but he knew what I was up to. He just went to one of various hiding spots and grabbed a new one. A huge smile on his face each time. I decided not to get too concerned. At 22 months he was stringing 5 words together, with or without the pacifier in his mouth. Clearly it wasn’t a problem.
So I decided to follow my own advice and play follow the leader. I decided to let him be in charge of his pacifier use. I decided to sit back and let it happen.
The scary thing about following my own advice is that there’s always the potential that it might not actually work as well as I claim. Every child is different, after all. I’m happy to report that this time it worked just fine.
It happened with very little drama during a trip to Target. My son is nothing if not obsessed with Disney/Pixar Cars, so we visit them often. We don’t buy one each time, but we do like to look and say hi. He found a multi-pack that he just had to have. “How can I earn this?” he asked, with longing in his 2 ½ year old eyes. “You can leave your pacies in the crib”, I replied. “I can leave my pacies in the crib”. We bought the cars, went home, and left the pacies in the crib.
My son is a huge fan of his crib, and often hangs out there to relax in the morning. It’s his quiet place to avoid, or recover from, over stimulation. For the first couple of weeks, he took more “relaxation breaks” than usual. But then he just adjusted. He was able to leave them behind because it was his choice (the loveys are NOT to be left behind, though). He was in the driver’s seat.
99% of the time parents have to make and enforce the rules. It’s the way this parenting gig works. We set the boundaries, they learn from us. But every once in a while, a little game of follow the leader can really make a difference. Sometimes we just need to let them be ready for a transition.
I was willing to smile and nod when old people at the grocery store and well-meaning passersby suggested that he looked too old for a pacifier. I was able to calm the voice in my head that worried about dental issues. I was able to sit back and let him be because I know the importance of emotional readiness. I know that transitions do not go well when they are forced upon children. I know that, sometimes, they really need to drive that car.
It didn’t take a book, a huge reward, a chart, or even a fairy. It just took time and emotional readiness.
Follow the leader and watch your child thrive.
How did you curb pacifier use?
Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA. She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.
Jessica
Thursday 9th of June 2011
I'm one of those moms that took them away! We ditched the bottle on the first birthday (our first baby struggled to nurse) and stopped nursing the second child at 12 months. "Soothies" as my kids called them helped with the transition to big kid cups. Mine never did the bedtime only thing, they kept their pacifier with them all day. Once they adjusted (14 months or so), we took the soothies too. Just told them one day it was time to put it in the trash, that they were not babies anymore. They willingly tossed them (probably didnt totally understand), fussed for a couple days, and were over it. They are 3 and 5 now. In my experience, taking them before the stubbornness of toddlerhood worked! Maybe thats harsh, but it seemed right at the time. But thats just my kids, every family has to decide for themselves what works :-)
Anne-Marie
Thursday 9th of June 2011
It's so good to read this. My eldest daughter (now four) spat out hers at 4 months and had no interest after that (but she does still have a muslin cloth whenever she's tired or feeling stressed). My youngest daughter is just turned two and I also let it happen to keep the peace. DH really wants her to give it up but I'm on the "when they're ready" bench - plus I'm the one looking after them all day ;-) Great to hear of others stashing them round the house, or having one in the mouth and one in each hand - that's so familiar here too :lol:
Practical Parenting
Wednesday 8th of June 2011
It can be so hard to find a new way to self soothe. Allowing them the time to transition makes a big difference, and helps empower them. Great work, mommies!
Allison P.
Wednesday 8th of June 2011
My son turned four last Sunday. We tried about 8 months ago to get him to give up the soother with a bribe from the local toy store. He was right into it! He tried and tried, but as the night went on, he cried and cried, and we finally gave it back. He clearly wasn't ready, and we didn't want to do it unless he was. (That night he had nightmares all night long about having weird things in his mouth, instigated by the serious thought of losing his soother. It was actually in his mouth as he slept!)
We tried again last Sunday, having prepped him that "4 year olds don't have soothers." When we awoke on his birthday, he handed it right to me and said "I'm done with this now, Mummy." But at bedtime (he only uses it to sleep) he again just couldn't pull it off. Oh, he gave it a really valiant effort, he really did, sugar coated with the same bribe. But he just couldn't. So, I lied with him and told him that it was in my hand. If he needed it, he could have it, but just try to fall asleep without it. He tried. Then he asked for it. I gave it. Three sucks later, he was fast asleep.
The kid's not ready. It used to stress me out, but it doesn't now. My 6 year old daughter still sucks her thumb ~ what am I going to do, cut that off? In fact, it was her that talked sense into me while the little guy was crying for it on Sunday. She said, "if he isn't ready to give it up, then why don't you give it to him?"
Huh. Great question. He's sleeping soundly with it right now, she's sleeping with her thumb in her mouth, and the house is happy.
Jessie
Wednesday 8th of June 2011
Well, our pacifiers left with nursing. It kind of worked itself out. Good job following your own advice!