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Does Wanting to Work Make Me a Selfish Mom?


By Kate Hayes 

After giving up a job that I loved when my husband’s career moved us from St. Louis to Boston this past May, I’m ready to get serious about looking for a new job.

I feel like I did the right thing by taking the entire summer off with my kids to play and explore and get adjusted to living in a new part of the country. We have certainly had a great time! Now, Anna will start kindergarten in less than a month, and I feel like we are ready for the next change.

I am pretty excited about the possibilities that lie before me…the unknown of a (fun?) new career in a place like Boston. Boston is a happening place! Just think of all the things I might learn! Just think of the people (future friends?) that I might meet!

Then I think about the guilt I feel about once again sending my children to daycare (or before/ after-school care) so that I can have a career. And the excited part of me feels very, very selfish.

Why can’t I have the excitement without the guilt?

The guilt is not entirely self-imposed. Even though our post-modern society supposedly embraces the working mother, there is still a large segment of the population that wholeheartedly believes that we (moms) are doing our children a disservice by returning to the workforce. So we get mixed messages. Some people applaud us, and others shake their heads at us. Here’s an example:

About a week ago, I really enjoyed reading a post entitled “Working Moms are Fine for Kids” on the New York Times’ Motherlode blog, written by Lisa Belkin. You can probably imagine why I liked it from the title. Belkin writes about recent research done at the University of Columbia that found that “working mothers displayed greater ‘maternal sensitivity,’ or responsiveness, toward their youngsters, had a higher income and were more likely to find higher quality child care. In the end, the effect on a child’s intellectual, physical and emotional development was a wash.”

The “wash” part refers to the fact that a study done eight years ago by the same researchers said that children of working mothers were cognitively delayed in the first year of life, compared to the children of mothers who stayed at home. Basically, the more recent study showed that those children caught up, and showed no lasting ill effects. Good news for working moms, right? I thought so.

However, when I posted Belkin’s blog post on my Facebook page, one of my 400 “friends” left this comment: “I like the idea of one parent (either one) staying home with kids. What the heck benefits are there for kids of working moms? I don’t mean to be hurtful to any of the working mothers…I don’t want anyone to feel guilty. But I think it’s better for the kids to have a parent stay at home. Kids need someone watching them. They need boundaries…”

And now I’m sitting here wondering…what am I supposed to say to that? I know that he says he doesn’t want anyone to feel guilty. Yet I do.

So I revisit all the reasons why I feel I should go back to work:

I enjoy working. I love being able to “use my brain” and be creative on a daily basis. I love feeling like a productive member of society.
I think working actually makes me a better mom. Instead of being cooped up at home with my kids, feeling stir crazy because I can’t always keep them happy…I am eager to see them at the end of work each day, and am able to devote myself fully to them when I’m not at the office. Working mom weekends are the best, because you really appreciate the time at home with your family!
I think that my KIDS prefer the structure (and the playmates) that daycare provides. If we’re not out and about doing things, my five-year-old daughter is constantly telling me how bored she is. I cannot be a full-time entertainer.
I worked really hard to go to college and build up a solid resume of work experience for the past ten years. I feel like I need to keep that momentum going, so it doesn’t go to waste.
And last but not least: we could use the money. My salary used to be more like a “bonus” for us when we lived in the Midwest. Now that we have moved to the East Coast, where everything costs at least twice as much (including our house), it doesn’t really seem like the best time to pare down to a “one salary” family. I think the benefits of growing up in a family that is not financially burdened must at least compensate for any negatives suffered by having a working mom.

Are those selfish reasons?

I know that I’m not the only working mom who waffles back and forth from feelings of excitement to guilt, so I would love to know how you handle(d) them. Whether you have any advice for me or not, thanks for listening to my “Mommy Moment.” Sometimes we just need to vent.
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Kate is a contributing writer for Mommy Moment. Kate is the proud mom of Anna and Kellen, two preschoolers who are starting to pick up all of her best habits: a passion for reading and exploring new places, an intense interest in organizing, and a total disregard for sleep. See what she has been up to over at www.adventuresinparenting.me

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Anonymous

Friday 15th of October 2010

It just seems odd that in this day and age this burden is always placed on women and not on the couple as a whole? I think that's kind of odd. The woman is the one expected to give up her job, the woman is expected to be responsible for the kids. But the man is never questioned. Why is this? I mean this is the 21st century. Why are women expected to juggle kids and jobs but not the man? It seems so much, when it comes down to it, the woman is the one expected to give up the job and take care of the kids. Isn't that just a bit unfair? I'm more in support of both male and female taking turns with their job and staying home. I've seen it done. One works some days the other one works the other days and then each takes turns staying home. Maybe it can be done...then both can work and both can spend time with the kids. That would be a more revolutionary idea. That duty should NOT be stuck on just one person. That's not fair.

Amanda @ Baby Bump Diaires

Monday 16th of August 2010

For me I think the guilt about me working comes more from my daughter than the rest of society. I work at home so it eases the heart break a bit. But having to face leaving her for the day would make me feel guilty. I personally could care less what the rest of society thinks of it because it is what our family needs. <3<3

Betsy (zen-mama.com)

Saturday 14th of August 2010

No! There's many reasons to keep working, mental health included. I am very lucky to be able to work at my children's school so that they could just walk to my classroom after school. As they've gotten older we've been in the same district. But I have very fond memories of staying home and sometimes wish I'd continued doing that. But I'm not sure how we could have without the extra money. There's never a right answer to the question.

Smith

Saturday 14th of August 2010

I just wanted to touch on the "guilt" part of the post. I fully believe that no one can make us feel guilty or relieve us of our guilt--this is not in their control, it is within ourselves. But I also want to add that guilt is not necessarily bad either.

For example, after my daughter was born I suffered from PPD and she suffered from acid reflux. Together, this made my milk supply start to dwindle and I was pumping up to 12x a day to try to keep it up and was not being the best mother to my 2 year old son. I finally gave in and went to formula feeding full time. I truly believe it was the best decision I could have made for my family at the time. My daughter is fine now, she didn't grow an extra head and I am emotionally and physically so much better. Do I feel guilt for giving up the breast? You bet. Sounds weird, huh? If I truly believed that I made the right decision then why do I still feel guilt? Because I'm a mom who cares about her children and wants what is best for them and when I can't live up to those expectations at all times (which we all know happens more frequently than we'd like to admit) I feel guilt. So, yeah, there is a twinge of guilt that my daughter wasn't a breast fed baby, but that's what keeps me in check and ensures that I'm not taking or making decisions lightly. She's 2 now and I don't fret or wallow in the guilt, but just realize it just is.

So, I wouldn't say don't delete the Facebook friend (you did ask for opinions, no?) but realize that guilt isn't always bad, it's just part of being a mom who cares.

Melissa: Mother to 3 Little Sprouts

Friday 13th of August 2010

Hey you! Hugs going your way from here! I just started working this week, and I had the same feelings. You have to do whats right for your family. If you are thinking about it this much, than it is probably what is right for you. It wasn't an easy decision for us either, but like you I worked really hard in college for this and we need the money. I can not give my children the things I want to give them without it. Sad but true. We homeschool, so i still spend a lot of time together but I want them in groups and on field trips, and all that requires money.

I also think it is so important for moms to have their own time. Good for you for taking care of yourself. You will get through this and make the rigth decision for your family. I am thinking and praying for you!

Melissa