Competitive Edge

Preschool California is a non-profit advocacy organization on a mission to increase access to high quality preschool for all kids in California.  All preschools are not created equal.  They’ve done the research.  Studies show that children who attend preschool are more likely to become good readers, more likely to graduate high school, less likely to need public assistance as adults, and less likely to need special education services or grade retention (http://www.preschoolcalifornia.org/benefits_of_preschool/). 

I would add that preschool is a great place to start working on social interaction skills, which are very necessary throughout our lives.  I worked in special education for many years.  The kids who had more sophisticated social skills were better able to cope with frustration, handle peer conflict, and assert their needs to both peers and adults.

My husband and I were out to dinner with some friends the other night.  We were seated in a patio under a sweltering heat lamp.  As we all started to sweat my husband remarked, “one thing I’ve learned while being on the road is that you have to ask for what you want.  You can’t sit back and just take it”.  We had the heat lamp turned off.  At 37, he’s very comfortable asserting his needs.  For kids, it’s not so easy.  It’s important to start learning early.

So yes, I believe in the power of a great preschool program.

Here’s what I don’t like:  All around me there is a huge push to get kids into preschool the minute they hit 2 ½.  People discuss preschool obsessively.  What’s the best one?  Developmental or academic?  Co-op or not?  I hear about it constantly.

My son is 2 years and 4 months old right now.  He talks circles around most 3 year olds (he has a big sister to contend with, you know) and already seeks out other playmates at the park.  He’s sweet, thoughtful, and incredibly sensitive (which is psychotherapist-mom speak for gets his feelings hurt easily).  He’s not a tough guy and, given his similarities to his Daddy, mostly likely won’t be. 

Every time I turn around right now people (friends and strangers alike) ask me when I’m starting him in preschool and where.  The truth is, I have no idea.

My daughter loved taking classes as a two year old.  Gymboree, music, art, you name it.  She liked having a destination and the structure of having certain things on certain days.  My son could care less.  He likes playing with his cars, taking long walks, going to the car wash, etc.  We take some classes here and there, but he doesn’t ask for anything in particular.  He learns a lot from the world around him.

I have him on the waiting list for his sister’s preschool.  He likes peeking in the classrooms and is comfortable with the set-up (how could he not be?  He is there three days a week for drop-off and pick-up!).  But I’m not convinced that he will be ready in September.  He turns three at the end of September, which means that I probably won’t start him in Kindergarten until he is over 5.  Does he really need three years of preschool?

I made a mistake with my daughter.  I listened to the mommy preschool pushers and put her on the list for what was described (by four different moms) as the “best” preschool in our little town.  For a variety of reasons, it did not work out.  She had a strong start but then her teacher quit with no notice on a Thursday night, never to be heard from again.  Her Daddy went out on the road for a year of touring.  She was only 2 years and 9 months old. 

Two months in, she was screaming every time I left her.  They wouldn’t let me help her transition.  They didn’t much care that her Daddy was gone and her life turned upside down.  They repeatedly told me to let her scream.  She was unhappy, playing alone, and having nightmares every night.  In early December I pulled her.  We never went back there again.

I spent the year teaching her at home.  We made very cool art projects, listened to a lot of music, took many classes of interest to her, went to a lot of playgroups, and I taught her how to write her name.  When she entered her current school, a school we love with very caring teachers, she was one of a few kids who could write her name.  I kept her home and her smile returned.  If I could do it again, I never would have sent her in the first place.  She might have been ready intellectually, but emotionally she had different needs. 

Emotional preparedness is very important and often overlooked.

As the pressure starts with my son, I’m not so inclined to even engage in the conversations.  While I love my daughter’s school, there is no real transition period there.  There is one “Mommy and Me” morning, and then its goodbye at the door. I’ve been told that there is a lot of crying for the first few months in the younger classrooms.  I’ve been through that before; I’m not necessarily inclined to put my son through the same drill.

I’m one of the lucky ones.  I am in the very fortunate position of being able to stay home with my kids right now.  I don’t have to send them to daycare, a nanny, or anywhere else.  I get to be with them every day.  I know other stay at home moms who put their kids into early preschool programs to give themselves a break.  I totally understand.  I haven’t had an unsupervised shower in over four years.  It can be taxing.  But I prefer to keep them home with me while I can.  It’s what I wanted all along.

I know I will be able to make the best choice for my son when the time comes.  I’m already sensing a similar pattern:  Intellectually he’s ready to take on new things, but given the choice he’d rather just hang out with me.  Does he really need three years of preschool or will two suffice?  Time will tell.  This time I will focus on what is best for my son.  This time I will do it right the first time.  And if doing right means another year of supervised showers…so be it.  There will come a time when I will miss it.  This much I know.

What do you think?  Is there too much pressure to get kids into preschool before they’re ready?  If you could make another choice, would you?  

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.

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