A Friend is a Friend

A couple of weeks ago, I shared my journey through infertility.   The response was incredible.

Here I am, nearly 8 weeks after the loss of my baby boy, still trying to find my way back to “normal”.  I’m not sure that I know what that means anymore.

While my days are spent savoring every moment (almost) with my kids, the nights are long and often filled with anxiety.  The tears seem to creep up on me without any notice as I struggle to recall what exactly it was that I did every night before I lost him.

Meanwhile, the emails keep pouring in.  People want to know how to help a friend, a sister, a niece, or a daughter who is fighting infertility.  They want to know what to say and when to say it.

Infertility can be very isolating.

Many couples keep their journey private.  It can be difficult to open up about something so personal, particularly when it feels like you’re the only one.  Some couples fear the response they might get.  Others fear a constant barrage of unwanted input.  And many just feel that they need to get through it together.

People going through infertility are bombarded with shifting emotions on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis.  Common feelings include:  anxiety, depression, loss of control, guilt, social isolation, low self-esteem, feeling misunderstood by more fertile friends, and increased stress across the board.

My husband and I chose to go through it alone for many years before we really started talking.  Only a few select friends knew what was happening.  Even during this most recent pregnancy we hesitated to tell anyone until it was truly over.

There’s no one “right” way to help a friend or loved one who is on this journey.  Everyone handles it in his or her own way.  I hesitated to share with friends because I feared that the response I would get would not be the response I wanted.  Sometimes I was wrong, but often I was right.

The truth is that infertility, in all of its forms, remains such a secret society that people just don’t know how to help.  People don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to proceed.  So they back away.  And wait.

The problem is that when you’re overwhelmed by infertility, the last thing you want to do is coach your friends and family members.  You just want them to know how to be there for you.  So resentment starts to build.  Often on both ends.  And the struggling friend or loved one becomes a little more isolated, a little more anxious, and a lot more depressed.  It’s as if the “normal” world leaves you behind.

Some people will argue that you should “follow her cues”.  To some degree, this might be right.  It’s probably not something she wants to talk about every single day.  The problem is that women experiencing infertility are prone to isolation.  Sometimes they need a friend to check in and keep the relationship going.

I don’t have all of the answers, because everyone has a different experience.  But I do have a few suggestions that might help along the way:

1. Listen:  It sounds so basic, yet it can be so hard to do.  If your friend confides in you, the single best thing that you can do for her is to listen.  Don’t ask 100 technical questions, don’t tell stories of everyone you’ve ever known who has gone through something “similar”, and don’t try to change the subject every chance you get.  Just listen.  Really listen.

2.  Avoid advice:  You might think you have all of the answers, and maybe you really do, but your friend isn’t looking to you for answers.  We have doctors, nurses, specialists, and sometimes even surgeons giving us medical advice.  We are being poked, prodded, and repeatedly tested, often with inconclusive results.  We don’t need referrals for “better” doctors, we like the ones we have.  We don’t need statistics or the latest “natural” treatment.  We’ve heard all of that before.  We just need support.  We need empathy.  We need someone to get angry when we’re angry and to cry along with us after yet another disappointing appointment.  We need our friends.

3.  Check in:  I am the queen of social isolation when the going gets tough.  It’s how I cope.  I read a lot.  I watch TV.  I clean and organize almost obsessively.  I dream of beach houses, vacations, and publishing my book.  But I always appreciate the friends who come looking for me.  There a few people who won’t let me slip away, and to them I am eternally grateful.

4.  Be a good friend:  One of the more difficult aspects of keeping up friendships during infertility is that often those friends have one or more kids already.  It’s as if the world moves forward while the infertile friend is stuck in a vortex of appointments, shots, medications, and procedures.  Get a babysitter.  Bring dinner.  Bring wine.  Go to a movie.  Grab a coffee.  Find a way to have 1:1 time that isn’t focused on your kids.  She loves your kids, I promise.  She just doesn’t know how to exist in a world where the one thing that she wants more than anything is the very thing that you can’t stop talking about.

5.  Learn the basics:  If your friend or loved one confides in you about her journey, get online and find some information.  There are few things more exhausting than repeatedly defining infertility terminology or explaining procedures over and over again.  It’s enough to make a girl hide in her house and isolate.  Learn the basics so that you can be the great listener that she knows you to be (she’s confiding in you, after all).

6.  Offer errands:  Sometimes just an offer is enough to make you feel heard and loved.  If you have a friend who just suffered a miscarriage, is in the middle of a long series of hormone injections, or is really struggling with depression during this journey, call her on your way to the grocery store.  It doesn’t have to be a big offer of support.  Just a simple, “Hey, I’m headed to Target, can I get you anything?” shows your friend that you care.  She might always say no, but the offer will truly be appreciated.

7.  Share in moderation:  As I said earlier, everybody experiences infertility in his or her own way.  Many people think it’s helpful to share the intimate details of their own journeys and how they got to the other side.  Sometimes it is.  But sometimes it’s just more overwhelming information to process.  Saying something a little more general such as, “I’ve been through something similar so I can understand how overwhelming this must be for you” opens the door without making it about you.  Your friend is choosing to talk because she needs to release her feelings and is hoping for a little support along the way.  Resist the urge to rehash your experience with the goal of instilling “hope”.  The truth is, she probably feels hopeless right now, and your story might not be as inspiring as you intend it to be.

8.  Watch your words:  I could write an entire post about this (in fact, my book contains an entire chapter).  Choose your words carefully.  Statements like, “it’s part of God’s plan”, “it’s God’s will”, or “maybe it’s just not your time” are rarely helpful.  The truth is that you don’t really know about another person’s belief system, and infertility can cause you to question your faith in a heartbeat.  Similarly, “you need a new doctor” or “does this guy even know what he’s doing” are generally met with resentment or frustration.  If we wanted new doctors, we would ask for referrals.  Refer back to #1 and please just listen.

9.  Support her decisions:  You might think that your friend is giving up and moving on to adoption too quickly or is holding out hope on IVF a little too long.  It’s not your decision to make.  Maybe she’s had all she can possibly take or maybe she truly feels that this round of IVF will be the one that takes.  Either way, support her.  Be there for her.  Refer back to #4 and be a good friend.

10.  Be thoughtful:  With email, Facebook, and all other avenues of instant gratification, people seem to have forgotten the power of a greeting card.  Send a card.  Show your friend that you’re thinking of her.  Send flowers for no reason.  Have dinner delivered just because.  Drop cookies, muffins, or something else yummy at her doorstep.  Simple gestures mean a lot to someone who feels alone.

Infertility is often a very lonely road.  But it doesn’t have to be.  Be there for your friend.  Don’t let her slip away.

How have you helped a friend going through infertility?  How have you been helped?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/and can also be found on Twitter.