Hurry Up and Succeed!

Parents are under a lot of pressure today.  It used to be that the symbol of living your dreams was a nice house with a white picket fence and a few kids running around the immaculately landscaped yard.  It used to be that Saturday soccer games were more of a social event for the parents than a training ground for future Olympians.  It used to be that people allowed their kids to have play dates and time to run free on the weekends (after the early morning soccer game).  Sadly, those days are long gone.

I grew up with a mom who believed that kids need unstructured time at home.  She had four of us in ten years so, to some degree, I think she did things in a certain way just to get through the day.  We were enrolled in sports or classes that we chose.  Some form of exercise and group play was required, but that was as far as it went.  It was never her intention to raise a professional basketball player.  When my brother took one look at an ice hockey team and said, “no, thanks” he was able to walk away.  When I begged and pleaded to play ice hockey with the boys she went out and bought me the necessary equipment.  We spent a lot of time playing outside, making up games, and creating projects out of whatever was around.  In Connecticut we had the benefit of a large backyard and wooded area across the street that was safe for exploration.  We were free to roam our little neighborhood, as long as she knew where we were going. 

Raising kids in Los Angeles is a much different experience.  We live in a cozy little beach town in the South Bay, and can walk to most activities and a beautiful park.  We are very lucky.  My kids love to walk (make that run) up to Main Street in the morning to see if the fire trucks are out or stop at the local coffee shop for fruit salad.  On days when we don’t have to shuffle Riley (my four year old) to and from preschool we don’t even get in the car.  For me, it’s paradise.  But sometimes I feel like people look at me and see a woman living in an alternate Universe.  Maybe I am.  

Riley attends a developmental preschool three mornings a week.  She loves it.  She plays, creates, sings, and just enjoys the company of her friends.  She comes home completely exhausted but full of exciting stories.  She’s learning social skills, working on gross and fine motor skills, and becoming more independent.  But most importantly, she’s having fun.  In my eyes, this is the most important thing.  She chooses a couple of extra classes to enroll in every few months.  Right now she’s taking ballet and ice-skating.  That’s it.  No more.  She’s happy.
I see parents enrolling kids in every sport they can find, art, music, and even tutoring (for preschool!).  I watch as these exhausted kids are shuffled from activity to activity AFTER spending the morning in preschool.  I listen as their parents try to predict who will be the best soccer player, dancer, scholar, etc.  I try to help as they describe eating issues, sleep issues, potty training issues.  The one piece of advice they don’t want to hear?  They are putting too much pressure on their kids.  Many of these issues would cease to exist if they would just let their kids relax and play.

Kids need to have time to play and explore.  They also need downtime to relax and regroup.  They need time to sing, dance, and spin in circles just because it’s fun.  They need to pump their legs to make that swing move and slide down the slide upside down and backwards.  They need to run free and enjoy the world around them!  I once had a parent remark (repeatedly during a five minute conversation), “wow, your daughter is amazing on that swing for a three year old”.  Yes, she picked it up fairly quickly once she was ready to learn, but the big secret here is that we spend most of our days at the park or in the backyard.  I do believe that some structured activities can enhance learning and development, but I don’t believe in over-scheduling.

It seems that the new symbol of whether or not you’re living the dream lies in how successful your child appears to be.  Parents are using special “reading” programs to “teach” two year olds to read.  They are putting 2-4 year olds in “competitive” soccer to get ahead of the competition down the line.  They are forcing them to take up an instrument at age three and practice multiple hours a day.  And then they are bragging about these “accomplishments”.

It seems to me that parental self-esteem often becomes linked with the perceived “success” of their children.  It also seems that many parents want their children to live out their unfulfilled dreams.  This creates an extraordinary amount of pressure on young minds.  It appears that success at all costs is the new free play.  It’s a sad state of affairs, if you ask me.

It was Riley’s decision to take ballet.  I was always more boy than girl as a child, and have never taken a dance class in my life.  But she begged and pleaded and loves all things girl, so off we went to ballet.  The class is great.  The teachers are kind, patient, and fun.  They teach a little, but mostly encourage the kids to run around.  Mid-way through her first class the other day a mother approached me and started talking a mile a minute.  She went on about how she never really made it as a dancer because she didn’t take gymnastics and that I should I get my daughter enrolled in gymnastics now.  I quietly replied that Riley just wants to have fun and be with other kids.  To which she replied, “well, my daughter is too fat to really be a dancer, but yours has the perfect little body for it”.  I wanted to grab Riley and run for the hills!  If she didn’t love that class so much, I would be tempted to avoid it altogether.  But I know that it’s important to put the child’s needs first, and right now Riley NEEDS ballet (or so she says, anyway).  So back we go next week.

Young children today are over-scheduled, over-stimulated, and sometimes over-indulged.  They are tired, cranky, and anxious.  So much so that there is a movement (led by developmental psychologists) to bring play back to our children.  It shouldn’t have to be this way.  Play should be an integral part of the day.  Children who build, create, problem solve, sing their hearts out, and dance with delight should be the new symbol of whether or not you’re living your dreams. 

Research shows that kids who are put under excessive pressure by their parents are more likely to turn to drugs and alcohol to cope later in life. Happy kids = successful adults.  Please…let them be kids!

You tell me.  Have you ever felt pressured to keep up with other parents?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
She has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter @practicalmom